Forget 10 on Tuesday

I had every intention of posting our regularly scheduled 10 on Tuesday post this evening. I would easily get to 10 things and have some Cutie McCute photos to share. But right now every brain cell I have, every bone in my body is focused on getting Camy to sleep in her crib. And I don't see success in our future.
We (read: I) have been hem-hawing about this decision for some time now. Camy sleeps like a champ 11-12 hours straight every night. She's (usually) fairly easy to get to sleep. She doesn't want/need nighttime feedings anymore. What she does want/need, however, is me. Cuddled right up next to her. Where she can reach out and stroke my shoulder (....and now I'm crying) or touch my face. She always is touching me in some way as she drifts off to sleep. In fact, she'll be drifting off to dreamland, eyes closed and her sweet little arm will reach out in search of me. If she finds me easily, she never wakes. If she doesn't find me, she wakes up upset. She needs her mommy, and in a lot of ways, I need her too. Just as she is used to having me there to fall asleep, I am used to having her sweet little body next to me.
Every time the conversation of crib sleeping presented itself, I had a reason why we should wait. She was teething. She was sick. Andy had a week full of late nights at work leaving me on my own for bedtime. We had travel coming up where we'd have to bedshare so what was the point in confusing her? Etc. Etc. I always had some reason other than simply I want her in my bed.
Paused here to make the first trip in to soothe her, picking up where we left off......
But really, that's what it does and always has boiled down. I enjoy her being in our bed. It works. We all sleep. Why mess with it?
I'll tell you why.
Today she fell off our bed.
I'm not saying this to point fingers, just to further explain my POV, but it happened when I was not home. I think had I been here and witnessed the fall, I would be more on board with transitioning her. But I was not here, she was perfectly fine by the time I made it home and learned of the incident, and even after being told, I was not convinced it meant we needed a change. I suggested we buy bedrails. Andy laughed. I guess I can see why that's silly when we have a perfectly good, safe, not-cheap crib in her room that doesn't get used other than as a towel rack. When he left for work today, I was still digging my heels in the sand about it. I was saying that he didn't get a vote unless he was going to be home to help implement the change. He was not allowed to put the stress of the transition solely on my shoulders.
Paused again for trip number 2....
But I thought about it all evening.
I thought about the way our marriage is being affected by having a baby in between us.
I thought about how nice it would be if Camy was able to put herself to sleep so that every once in a while we could have a date night or I could have a night out with the ladies and not have to worry about the hell we'd be putting our sitter through.
I thought about all the things I'd be able to accomplish during naptimes knowing that she was safely sleeping within the confines of her crib, not on our bed with pillows lined up to (hopefully) keep her from falling and me feeling the need to dash in and check on her every 5 minutes.
There are a lot of positives to crib sleeping.
So, I decided now's as good a time as any.
I would give it a shot.
And ya know what.... she's sleeping. Soundly. In her crib.
It took a whopping 37 minutes from the time she finished nursing.
2 trips back into her room to soothe her.
I first laid her down around 820, and stayed in the room with her patting and humming and shushing for about 5 minutes. The first 15 minutes of her being alone in the room she just crawled around the crib, pulled up to stand, sat back down, pulled up to stand, danced around, sat back down, crawled over to her lovey, hugged and tossed her around, laid down, sat up, etc. Once she started to fuss (not even really getting to the point of crying), I went back in and laid her down. I stayed with her another 5 minutes then slipped out of the room. She immediately sat up and looked around, I'm guessing confused as to why she was suddenly alone again and not cuddling, waited a couple minutes, then began to cry. I gave her 3 minutes. I told myself that I would let her try to work this out on her own for 3 minutes before I swoop in to rescue her. I wasn't going to let her get herself all worked up... I was just waiting to see what she did. Well, she continued to cry. I sat outside her door for 3 minutes, crying harder than she was. Then I went in to lay her back down. She calmed right down, stayed laying down without trying to roll over or sit up, and I stood there with her holding her hand until she fell asleep. She was asleep by 857.
I am so proud of her.
And I am so proud of myself.
I am really glad that she did not cry herself to sleep. I couldn't bare the thought of her falling asleep wondering where I was, why she was alone, etc. I am glad I was able to stand there with her and help her drift off calmly, knowing that I was there.
I am impressed with how (relatively) easy it was to get her to sleep in there.
But you know what? I am so so sad that I now have to walk into my bedroom alone (....and more tears).
Andy doesn't get home until midnight or later, and I have a sneaking suspicion I won't sleep a wink before then.
All the pride I feel for our success.... and I still want my baby back in my bed.